Thursday, November 13, 2014

My Dating Patterns

Ebony magazine's website has an uplifting and engaging article on it called "Black Girls Only". What the author says in the last paragraph about desire comes as a sort of revelation to me.
"...I'm well aware that desire is different from love. Desire is definitely constructed around social influences and signifiers of what is beautiful and worthy of love. From body type to complexion we are inundated with messages about who should be wanted and who shouldn't. My choice to love black women only is revolutionary. It's a reflection of my radical politics.  It's my straight no chaser lust, love and worship of black femininity. Black girls are magic. From high yellow to blue black. And I love them all.
I've tried to understand my own dating patterns. I ask myself why, despite how much I love POC and try to emphasize my pride in my African heritage, have most of my partners been white or or really passe blanc. I know that it's not a coincidence. It's a pattern. I see beautiful Black people all of the time and there are many of them that I'd definitely be willing to date. But for some reason, the only people that I wind up getting serious with are those with euronormative features.

Perhaps this is pattern stems from my background in a culture where European features are preferred as a result of the advantages society confers upon those who have them. While I decided a while back ago that I would no longer date white guys, I haven't made up my mind to only date Black people. I can definitely respect those who do choose to love Black women, especially those who are also People of Color. Being white means that you have more leeway with regards to dating. Being with a Black woman won't really result in much of a loss in stature. However, A Black person with a white spouse definitely does reap some of the benefits of their partner's white privilege. A Person of Color who marries a Black woman, especially a darker skinned, kinky haired Black woman, will never benefit from that in a white-dominated society.

However, I can't deny that my dating pattern may also be influenced by who I'm around the most. Out here, I don't come in regular contact with a single Black person other than my two coworkers. I simply don't have the opportunity to meet people outside of work. So, it would be difficult for me to decide to only date Black people, because that would mean remaining single until I move or get another car. I don't think I need to make the same decision as the author, but I think that it does help me to formulate better questions to mull over during introspection.

Monday, November 03, 2014

Lord Make Haste to Help Me!

I have a prayer request. On Wednesday, I have to find a way to get all the way to Baton Rouge (which is an hour and a half away from here) even though my roommate is working and can't take me unless I can convince the doctor's office that's contracted with Social Security to let me be seen earlier in the day. Please pray that something works out. I don't want to borrow my roommate's car. I really don't like using anyone else's things. She has said that if it comes down to it, she'll let me, but I don't want to do that. I kind of have a policy of not using something that belongs to someone else unless I can afford to replace it, if something happens to it while I'm using it. Still, Social Security says they will close my case if I don't make it to this appointment.

I'm a bit fed up and frustrated and close to tears over this whole review process. They're sending me to have a physical with a doctor who's never even seen me and has no experience with my disabilities. I have a really rare cancer and there are no doctors in the Mississippi/Louisiana/Arkansas region who've even seen a case of it or treated someone with it. It just seems like this SS case manager is trying to kick me out of the program. She said that I have to do this because the records she's received for me are insufficient. My oncologist, my pain management doctor, my rheumatologist (I also have systemic lupus), my psychiatrist and my GP have all sent SS their records for me. I see at least one of my doctors every month, because it takes a lot to keep me alive. So, it's not like the records aren't up to date.

Furthermore, it's not like a regular physical is going to be able to show them much about my disability. It's not like I'm an amputee or someone with an obvious disability like Trisomy-21. My cancer is inside my chest! At best, this guy can listen to my breathing, poke my torso, and ask me a few questions. Nothing he can tell SS will be more informative than what my medical records show. I mean, if this is supposed to root out fraud, it's a waste of time. It's rather difficult to fake cancer so well that the doctors actually imagine that they removed part of tumor out of my chest.

I feel like SS still tries to make things so hard for people who have already proved that they are disabled. I don't just "sit around collecting a check" like some people think most disabled people do. I actually hold down a job and work as much as I can. I'd love to be independent and capable of working enough to support myself and physically able to care for myself all of the time.