Friday, December 28, 2007

Too Depressed To Write Because of my Weight

I got on the scale this week. You'd think that, with all of the holiday eating and increased all-day munching I've been doing, I'd have made some progress. I was smiling and eager before I got on the scale to see how much I weighed.

The scale read 115 lbs.

The German is worried. He's been buying all sorts of foods and supplements for me. He says I'm not taking good care of myself. He pointed out that all of my munchies are really great choices if a person was trying to lose weight; I don't eat fried foods and my all-time favorite snacks are Wheat Thins and rice cakes. Am I the only person who actually loves them?

I usually have a rice cake in the morning when I get up. That usually makes me full so I don't bother with more than that for breakfast. Sometimes I'll have a glass of whole milk to go with it. If I'm really hungry, I'll put some peanut butter on my rice cake and maybe a drizzle of honey too.

I just have a hard time making myself to eat when I'm not hungry and once I'm full, I stop eating. I was brought up that way. The German says that's a great way to be for most people and he wishes he could do it himself but he thinks that I need to eat more than what I think it takes to fill me up. He didn't buy me any rice cakes when he made groceries last week. I think he's trying to get me interested in other breakfast choices.

You know, if it were anyone else, I'd pitch a fit about them trying to change my eating habits. I know people I love who have partners that try to control them using food. One of my relatives had a husband who, when it was time for dessert, would break out the measuring cups and dole out exactly one serving-sized portion to her while everyone else, including him, ate as much as we wanted. I remember seeing him dump one half cup of ice cream in her bowl and I just wanted to push that bowl into his face.

Earlier this year, I got up to 153 lbs. I was so happy. I took lots of pictures of me with my little pooch hanging over my jeans. VanGoghGirl had fun squeezing my fleshy arms as if they were play-dough. I bought lots of bigger jeans and muscle shirts (my standard uniform) and even a new belt. Now I can't fit any of them. I put on one of my muscle shirts the other day and I couldn't get my nipples to stop showing on the sides.

I searched through my underwear drawer to see if I still had any small panties because all my boy shorts won't stay on my ass anymore. I wanted to go back to bed and pull the covers over my head when I put on the size 5 that I found and even they were loose.

I'm going to go take a nap. I just don't feel like being awake and thinking about all of this right now.


Kay Olson said...

I just have a hard time making myself to eat when I'm not hungry and once I'm full, I stop eating.

I've been this way for my entire life too, until the last two years and starting up with the vent and feeding tube. Adequate air probably gives me more unlimited energy to eat. Before this, I couldn't be bothered to eat past the most basic need. Now, for whatever combination of reasons, I munch ALL THE TIME.


bint alshamsa said...

I think that the not being bothered thing might have something to do with things in my case too. My lupus flare-ups leave me feeling so listless and achy all the time that I don't feel like I have the energy or desire to go through all the rigamarole of cooking something elaborate even when I do feel in the mood to eat something beyond the basics. By the time I've prepared a full meal, my back and hands hurt so much that it's hard for me to even enjoy it.

I'm really thankful that I have a partner who loves to cook. Otherwise, I'd probably have wasted away--and I mean that literally, not in the hyperbolic sense--a long time ago. That thought scares me because

what about the people with conditions like mine who don't have a caregiver? What if I am one of them some day?

Lisa Harney said...

Ouch, many sympathies. :( I hope you gain at least a few pounds for your birthday.

belledame222 said...

I'll trade you my love of heavy cream and cheese for your pleasure in rice cakes.

lately I've been more toward "don't eat if I don't feel like it." still plenty overweight, though. (hugs) hoping what they hoped.

Breez said...

Have you considered doing the prepared entrees. Like the Lean Cuisine meals or something like that? That way, you're still getting a good meal and you're not wearing yourself out.

I don't so much care for Wheat Thins (they have this slight sweetness that I can't get with; love me some Triscuits though) but I gets down with rice cakes.

Keep in mind too that 115 is not a bad weight. I just don't want your anxiety about your weight to upset you more, further decreasing your appetite.