Friday, December 29, 2006

IT'S MY 30th BIRTHDAY!!!!!

I usually don't celebrate my birthday and instead I do something to commemorate The Massacre at Wounded Knee because it's a very significant but overlooked incident in American history. However, I've decided to let "the cause" wait for a few days and enjoy today and tomorrow myself.

I am officially THIRTY YEARS OLD. Today is my birthday and tomorrow marks FOUR YEARS since I was diagnosed with chondrosarcoma.

But today cancer can kiss my pretty caramel-colored ass because I am ALIVE. Nobody thought I'd live this long, especially not me. Though I still have cancer and remission isn't really a possibility, I have made it this far and I plan on making it a hell of a lot further. So today I'd like to say FUCK YOU CANCER because


A birthday kiss for all my folks.

Champagne for my real friends! Real pain for my sham friends!!

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Santa, You're Not Welcome In Hazelton, PA!!

Okay, the second I saw this I knew it had to go up on my blog. I know this is an unusual way of approaching this issue but, at this point, I think it's definitely apropos. Anti-immigration bigotry is just taking over the media and I'm tired of watching it go unaddressed.

Monday, December 25, 2006

Merry Christmas

This is what I spent my time creating last night since I couldn't sleep.

Friday, December 22, 2006

Meet The Stalkers

I just wanted to welcome two new readers: Dian and bluebear. They became interested in me after reading some of my posts on an social forum that I recently joined. They happen to be a real-life couple and even I've heard that they've made three little bears cubs together. The really weird--okay, it's actually pretty creepy--thing about them is that they are especially interested turned on by topics involving pedophilia, rape, and other forms of sexual assault.

Despite being parents themselves, it seems they find pedophilia and rape to be rather amusing subjects. In fact, they are so interested in this topic that they came to My Private Casbah looking for more information on these topics and then proceeded to go back to the forum where we post and show the full extent of their creepiness by proving that I am now the object of their obsession. So folks, it seems that I've acquired a new set of internet stalkers.

The sad thing about this is the fact that people like them actually have children in their care. I'm actually hoping that they'll stop just lurking around here and not saying anything. I figure that if they're going to come here regularly, they might as well comment too. Who knows, maybe they'll actually stop being such repulsive wastes of protein while they are at it.

Well, regardless of how that goes, I plan on getting back to posting after all this Christmas stuff is over. It's just been totally crazy around here lately.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Rheumie Visit Today

I'm going to see my rheumatologist today. I hope this visit goes well. I have a few things that I want to talk to her about regarding some of the things that I've been thinking about doing lately. I wonder what she'll think about me getting a tattoo. Anyway, I guess I should get up and take my shower now because my appointment is in about forty minutes and I can't drag my feet any longer. Hopefully, I won't forget about DeviousDiva's chat session today. I've missed it the past two weeks because I overslept. I'm determined to stay up today. I miss talking to everyone.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

These Friends Are, New Friends Are Golden

Landing on a runway in Chicago
and I'm grounding all my dreams of ever really seeing California,
because I know what's in between
is something sensual in such non-conventional ways.

Tonight the headphones will deliver you the words that I can't say.
Tonight I'm writing you a million miles away.
Tonight is all about "We miss you."

And I can't forget your style or your cynicism,
somehow it was like you were the first to listen to everything we said.
My smile's an open wound without you...
and my hands are tied to pages inked to bring you back.

These friends are, new friends are golden.
-Homesick At Space Camp by Fallout Boy

I went to see my psychiatrist today. I was really nervous about it because I knew he would ask me if I'd gone to see a sex abuse therapist yet. I explained to him that I hadn't actually made it to the appointment that I'd scheduled because when that date came, I just couldn't bring myself to go and talk to a complete stranger about this subject. His immediate question was "Well when are you going to be ready?" I understood the point that he was making. He went on to tell me that I don't have to sit there and tell the therapist about everything in the first session. He said that I could take my time and develop some trust in the person first. That really eased a lot of my anxiety.

We also talked a whole lot about The German and the CanadianBoy. He questioned why I had contacted the latter and I'm beginning to wonder if my current difficulties dealing with being a sexual abuse survivor had subconsciously contributed to me making the decision to contact him after all these years. The doctor definitely thinks that may be the case. I also told him about how The German is worried that associating with the CanadianBoy may cause me to slip back into a less acceptable lifestyle. However, my doctor doesn't think that will necessarily be the case.

Our discussion actually made me feel a lot more confident about this because talking to The German had led me to feel like maybe I'm not as strong-willed as I'd like to hope that I am. A couple of nights ago the CanadianBoy and I were having a heart-to-heart talk and he asked me whatever happened to the adventurous girl that I used to be. I didn't really have an answer for that question at the time but I think that living with The German all these years may have a lot to do with it. He lives a very "safe" and quiet lifestyle and being basically homebound for so long has meant that I haven't had anyone around to stimulate the other side of my personality that used to really enjoy getting out and being a little bit wild from time to time.

I really want to do something about that. I've been thinking about going out of town during the Christmas holidays to see some friends. A few of my friends have invited me to come and celebrate my birthday with them. It might be fun to visit someplace new or to go shopping in some places that I've been meaning to revisit eventually. I told The German that I was considering taking a bit of a holiday by myself but he was mostly unresponsive. I know that I can count on him to take care of VanGoghGirl while I'm gone and it wouldn't be for more than a week or so anyway.

From the times when I've mentioned it, I can tell that he's not exactly crazy about the idea but he wouldn't try to stop me if that's what I want to do. I care about what he thinks but I don't want to completely merge my soul with his. We have different personalities (He's very reserved and I'm extremely outspoken), different tastes (He likes hip hop and I prefer Jazz or Punk), and different belief systems (He's a lot more conservative than I am even though he won't admit it). I don't want to get to the point where I'm sacrificing my own happiness just to keep him from having to deal with our differences. Besides, we might get along a lot better if we weren't spending every waking moment of every single day together in this flat.

With my psychiatrists vote of confidence, I think that maybe I should just put more trust in my ability to take care of myself and act responsibly no matter what or who is around me. I think tomorrow I'm going to put some feelers out there and see if a couple of those invitations still stand.


The German thinks that I'm screwing up my life right now. He'd never say it like that but because I've known him so long, I can tell what he thinks from what he does say even though he's almost unfailingly polite.

About a month ago, my psychiatrist gave me the phone numbers for three therapists that might be able to help me with my sexual abuse issues. I did call one of them and set up an appointment but, when the day came, I skipped it because I just couldn't bring myself to go and speak about this stuff with a complete stranger. I mean, I'm sure the therapist has probably had worse cases come before him and wouldn't be shocked by anything I said but I'm not sure that I could deal with hearing myself talk about what I've been through. The German has been gently suggesting that I call and make another appointment but I haven't done it yet. A couple of days ago, in a completely unrelated conversation, someone that I care about told me that I was being stubborn and hard-headed. His statement made me really mad because it hit too close to home. I was pissed off to hear that he thinks the same thing that I know The German thinks too.

I often feel like people don't understand why I am the way I am. It's not completely their fault most of the time. When it comes to voicing my views about politics or racism or feminism, I am never at a loss for words. However, it can be very difficult for me to talk about what I think of myself. I recognize that I have absorbed a lot of the negative labels that I've been given over the years, so I usually don't talk about what I think of myself even to those who are close to me because the most they can usually say is that I shouldn't feel that way or that I should just let it all go. I know that they mean well but I just really get the urge to say something like, "Wow! What a genius you are! It's just that easy? Thanks! Why didn't anyone ever tell me this before? I can't believe that I spent all of these years in therapy just to keep from trying to commit suicide again and the solution was as simple as just letting it all go." Of course, that would only leave me with even fewer people to talk to when I do feel like I can't hold in my feelings any longer--and that really is the only time when I talk about myself; Whenever I can, I do my best to keep it all under wraps.

Last week I wrote about how I'd gotten back in touch with an old boyfriend of mine. I've been really stressed since then because he's a person who knows about a lot of the details about my past that I'd simply prefer for people not to know. The German doesn't understand why reconnecting with the CanadianBoy has jolted me so much. I tried to explain to him that when you are in group therapy, the relationships that form between members can be extremely powerful. I mean, you sit there and you tell the truth, the nasty, dirty truth about all of the worst aspects of your background and the personality you developed during that time. Ideally, everyone goes back to their own separate lives after this and simply use all of the insight they've gained from hearing about other people's experiences and where it all got them.

It's really dangerous to hook up romantically with other group members because your progress can become entangled with their progress or lack thereof. However, it's extremely easy to get involved with other group members because most of the soul-baring that people have to engage in before they can fall in love has already occurred before you even start to date.

After I left the psychiatric hospital for the first time, I did attempt to pick up the pieces and get my act together. It didn't last long. Before much time had passed, I was back to being a substance abuser. I spent a few years like this before I eventually kicked all of my drug habits. I happen to be one of the extremely lucky people who has never felt the sort of physical symptoms that scares a lot of addicts into continuing to using simply because they are afraid of what full-fledged withdrawal would be like. I'm sure that I probably did experience some withdrawal symptoms but they were never to the point that I believed they were too much for me to manage them.

Nevertheless, this was not just some harmless phase in my life. It pretty much defined my entire life, from how I spent my day to what I dreamed of doing in the future. Anyway, the point is that my life was not a pretty picture. There are things that happened that I deeply regret and wish could be undone. That's the sort of stuff that the CanadianBoy knows.

Because of what I know about him, I am absolutely confident that he wouldn't tell anyone anything about the things he knows about me. However, that doesn't stop me from worrying that somehow, now that he's in my life again, it will all come out anyway and the house of cards that I've built over the years will come crashing down. Even The German does not know some of the things that the CanadianBoy knows. I'm sure he'd be disappointed to know that fact but I hope that he'd understand why.

I have told The German a good bit about my activities prior to us getting together. That's why he doesn't think that reconnecting with the CanadianBoy is a good idea. He says that he thinks it will drag me down and undo the progress that I've made over the years but to be honest, I just don't see that happening. There's one thing that I know and that's if I was to go down the path that I used to be on, the CanadianBoy would be one of the first to try to help me get back clean. There's nothing like going through the horrors of addiction to make a person sympathetic and eager to try and help someone else make the same mistakes.

The German doesn't understand that. He's never tried anything. He's never even smoked a cigarette. I think that his straight-edge personality is one of the things that attracted me to him. He has no tattoos, no piercings, no dreadlocks, no out of wedlock kids and he's one hundred percent conservative. In other words, he was the kind of person that could always be counted on to do things the right way. He was an anchor for me to latch onto when temptations and opportunities to regress came along over the years. The nice, safe life he offered simple didn't produce many situations where I could be exposed to anything that might tempt me. Even though our life together was a bit ho-hum, I felt like security made it worth it to try and work through that.

My friendship with the CanadianBoy is much different. Talking to him is like going to confessional. I can air out all of the wicked little thoughts that would appall the ears of someone like The German. I can talk about the relapses and the actual experiences with someone who understands the full meaning behind what I say. If I said that a particular drug made me throw up a lot, The German would probably just ask me "then why did you keep taking it?" whereas the CanadianBoy would already understand that after a while the throwing up quickly becomes to seem like a minor inconvenience in comparison to what you got in exchange--the temporary release from all the pressures of the world, the feeling of being comfortable with who you are that you just don't otherwise feel when you're clean and sober. Talking to the CanadianBoy is cathartic (no pun intended). It serves a purpose that can't be met except by interacting with others who have been there.

However, that doesn't mean that it's necessarily the only sort of communication that's important to me. When I want someone to model my behavior after, there's no one better to look to than The German. If I had been more like him when I was a kid, then I would never have even had the psychiatric hospital stints or many of the other traumatic experiences that landed my arse there in the first place. I don't want to disappoint him by allowing him to see me cause my own downfall. It would also kill my family if I did anything that might be construed as jeopardizing The German's feelings for me. No matter what he does, most of the people around me will make it quite clear to me that they think that I'd do well to just deal with whatever "minor flaws" The German has and do my best to make him happy with me.

I'm going to see my psychiatrist this morning and I'm going to have to tell him that I never did see a sex abuse therapist and admit that the problems in my sleep are spilling over into my relationships with others. I'm not sure what he's going to say but I'm sure he will be at least a little pissed off. I'm going to nap now and try to clear my head before I go and speak about all of this stuff to him. I think this session is going to be a doozie.

Friday, December 01, 2006

The Very Late Thursday Thirteen Edition # 4

Thirteen Songs To Sing At My Un-Funeral Party

Most of my friends already know this but I do NOT want a funeral. I think that the whole idea of putting my corpse on display wearing screwed up make-up and a dowdy dress just a wee bit more humiliating than I'd like to envision. Instead, I'd prefer for my friends and fam to have me cremated and throw a send-off party for me instead. Heck, if I could, I'd have the party before I die but my mother has already forbid me from carrying out my bright idea about having a pre-death send-off party for myself. What a killjoy that woman is sometimes! Anyway, The German has promised that he'll honor my wishes, so I've basically planned out the whole thing. If people can pre-plan their own funeral, I see no reason why I can't pre-plan my after-death party.

Anyway, there are a few songs that I think best describe my life and a few other ones that different people in my life have said made them think about me when they heard it. This Thursday Thirteen is the list of songs that I want The German to be sure to have on the playlist at my un-funeral party. If anyone who reads this blog has any other songs that reminds them of me in some way, please suggest it. I'm actually VERY interested in hearing which songs other people would like to have played if they had their own un-funeral party.

1. "Time of Your Life" by Green Day
2. "She Talks To Angels" by Black Crows
3. "Amy's Song" by Switchfoot
4. "Last Rites of Rock 'n' Roll" by Josh Redman
5. "Speed of Sound" by Coldplay
6. "White Flag" by Dido
7. "99 Luftballoons" by Nena (the German version)
8. "Sea Lion Woman" aka "See Lyin' Woman" by Nina Simone
9. "I'll Fly Away" by Jars of Clay
10. "November Rain" by Guns N' Roses
11. "In This World" by Moby
12. "It's The End Of The World As We Know It" by R.E.M.
13. "You Got Me" by The Roots ft. Erykah Badu

Links to other Thursday Thirteens!
1. (leave your link in comments, I’ll add you here!)

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The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!