Wednesday, November 29, 2006

It Happened Again Last Night

I had another rape dream. This time, in the dream, I was on a date with a guy (who used to be one of my high school classmates) and he hit me in the back of my head with something. Immediately after that, I was in some place I'd never been before lying in front of a school leaning up against a tree. Children were looking at me from inside of the school building. I stood up and I realized I was only wearing a shirt; The rest of my clothes had been pulled off of me before the guy dumped me out of the car. I was about to start walking to look for someone to help me when I saw this dandelion. It wasn't a normal-sized plant though. It was almost the size of a bush. I stopped and blew on the dandelion and watched the seeds fly off into the wind and then I began walking again.

I was proceeding down the street when I saw a police officer riding past me in a squad car. I yelled to get her attention and she stopped and picked me up. Instead of taking me to the police station, she brought me to her house. When we got there, I ran inside and huddled down into the corner of the room. The officer gave me clothes to put on and then we got in her car again and she drove me down the street. At that point she put me out of her car and drove off.

I started walking again and I eventually came to a fast food restaurant and I went in to try and get some help except for some reason, I was naked again--completely naked this time. It was really crowded and I was waiting for the line to clear so that I could ask the employees if I could use the phone to try and call home. While I was waiting, people from my old congregation started coming into the restaurant. They were in this strange city for the weekend because it was apparently the place where they were holding one of their annual regional conventions. Eventually, even my mother and my brothers came in too. My bio-dad showed up as well after a while.

In the dream, my mother starts telling me that I deserve what happened to me and laughing about it with the other people she knew who were also there to get lunch. I got into this big confrontation with her and with the other people she'd talked to because they kept coming over and looking at me and pointing and whispering to each other. Even my bio-dad was making jokes about me. I tried to shut them all up but it really didn't work.

Eventually, I just left the restaurant and went on to look for help somewhere else. As I was walking, it got dark outside so I had to start looking for somewhere I could sleep outside until morning came again. At that point, I woke up from my dream.

I wish I knew what it all meant. Why have I started having these dreams? Why won't they stop? I believe that sometimes dreams have meanings but I can't really understand what to make of this one any more than the others like it. I just don't know what to make of all this.

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