Wednesday, April 24, 2013
My Relationship Patterns are Troubling me
I am looking forward to the day when I no longer remember what it felt like to be a part of a couple. Just a couple of weeks ago, I had an uncomfortable realization that led to lots of questions that I don't know how to answer. Most of the people I've ever been in relationships have been mixed-race/mixed-ethnic/multiracial people. In my entire life, I have only had relationships with 3 monoracial-identifying people. What does THAT mean? I want to believe that I have no preference for one over the other, but...I wonder if there's something about me that makes monoracial folks disinclined to express any attraction toward me. Even though I am multiracial, almost no one who just saw me (without my family around) would likely perceive me as anything other than Black. So it would have to be related to something that I do or maybe the way I talk about certain things. I don't even know how to figure out what I'm doing wrong. Honestly, with all of the race-related crap that I've been going through, I'm really wishing that I could meet a person who doesn't have the same kind of identity issues that I already face in my own family. I'm not even looking for a partner. I'd just like to be able to find people that could potentially be more than a friend, if that was something I felt ready to consider. So, I don't want to be doing something that's going to drive away the kind of people that I want to attract. I'm feeling like a lost puppy right about now.