Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Sooner or Later

I never knew that life could be this lonely. I remember that it wasn't all that long ago that I thought about how those dark years that made up the majority of my life were behind me for good. I remember thinking about how good it felt knowing that I wouldn't have to go back to that, ever again, because I was loved and safe and believed. The best explanation that I could come up with was that maybe I'd done my turn and now I was being retired to find whatever consolation this world would allow.

Now, I realize that I was right before. Some people really are put on earth just to be used, like toilets or paper towels. I don't know why that is, but it just is. I've never been able to come to any other conclusion, when I think about myself. I've been a used thing from as far back as I have memories. When people notice that something looks like trash, the tendency is to treat it like trash. Nobody gets scolded for wiping their feet on a mattress sitting on the curb.

The idea of having found someone who loved me was a joy that I didn't really think I'd experience. I'd loved. I'd loved with all I had. However, no one loves their toilet or their old napkins. They don't even think that it's something that should be expected. I understand that, but imagine what it's like to be the toilet and suddenly feel adored. Even though you're still being shit on by the rest of the world, one person says that, even as a used thing, you are wanted.

What would you do to keep that person in your life? What would you be willing to do just to hear that person say that you are more than what you know you are? What would you be willing to do for that person? For me, the answer was, "everything". What would you do when you realize that they'll never be as happy as they could be as long as they have something dirty and used attached to them?

Sooner or later all trash has to be thrown away. I've always been a bit of a collector. I'm notorious for having trouble throwing things out. I always think about how things might still be useful. My partner has almost no emotional attachment to things. He'd rather throw something out and buy a new one, if he needs one at a later date. That should have been a sign. I should have known that eventually, I would be the trash that was getting in the way. When you started out as trash, how could you wind up ending up as anything other than trash? And sooner or later all trash has to be thrown out.


Rootietoot said...

My heart hurts for you. I understand why you feel like this and that all the platitudes in the world won't fix what you're going through. I wish I could help in a more tangible way.

MomTFH said...

I'm so sorry. I am going through yet another breakup myself, and it is so stunning to one's self worth.

I am sure you are worth more than trash. I am sorry your partner wasn't able to make you feel like that, but you are more than his estimation of you.

Safiya Outlines said...

I'm not sure what to say, except that I will remember you in my prayers and ask that better things come for you soon.

bint alshamsa said...

Safiya, thank you so much for the prayers.

Rootie, you have done more for me than almost anyone else I can think of. I don't think I'll ever be able to describe just how much your compassion and true friendship means to me.

bint alshamsa said...

MomTFH, it helps to hear someone say that I'm not just trash. I try to convince myself, but sometimes it's just so very hard. The support and encouragement helps me make it through the rough days.