Monday, December 24, 2012

Having No Christmas Just Seals the Deal

This has been one of the hardest years of my life. My heart has been broken. My partner of 12 years has decided to end our relationship and I don't think I'll ever get any clear explanation for that decision. I've had to rely on the goodness, godliness, and sweetness of people who have absolutely no obligation to be there for me. I am so very afraid of where my life is going. I don't know how I will adapt to these new realities. But I have My Faith with me, no matter where life takes me.

The Creator has always manifested a presence in my life when I reached moments in my life when no human could or would go through it all with me. I'm just very, very afraid of how bad things may have to get before I can feel that reassurance that I'm not really and truly alone. I don't want to get any closer to rock bottom. I don't want to get any sicker or weaker or more isolated from the world.

I don't want to experience all of these things, knowing that people I still love simply don't care. I experienced enough as a person with disabilities to know that I'm at that stage where finding another partner isn't a realistic goal. Those without disabilities simply aren't going to be willing to develop a relationship with someone who needs so much and will only need even more in the future. People who are equally disabled aren't healthy enough to actually be able to carry out the sort of help that I need to stay alive. People like me, the folks whose partners leave for any of the myriad reasons that they use to justify it, remain alone. That's just the truth.

I want to say something hopeful now. I honestly do. I went to Liturgy today and it was wonderful. However, I couldn't even get the kind of inspiration that it usually provides. My mind and my spirit was just too distracted. It feels so unfair, but what does that matter? What difference does that make? There's nothing more pointless than thinking about how much unfairness one is experiencing.

I hope that tomorrow will bring me something to feel happy about. Right now, I'm just dreading it. I've loved Christmas for as long as I've been celebrating it. This year feels even worse, because I know just how much joy it usually brings me. Well, at least it will soon be over.