Monday, December 24, 2012

Having No Christmas Just Seals the Deal

This has been one of the hardest years of my life. My heart has been broken. My partner of 12 years has decided to end our relationship and I don't think I'll ever get any clear explanation for that decision. I've had to rely on the goodness, godliness, and sweetness of people who have absolutely no obligation to be there for me. I am so very afraid of where my life is going. I don't know how I will adapt to these new realities. But I have My Faith with me, no matter where life takes me.

The Creator has always manifested a presence in my life when I reached moments in my life when no human could or would go through it all with me. I'm just very, very afraid of how bad things may have to get before I can feel that reassurance that I'm not really and truly alone. I don't want to get any closer to rock bottom. I don't want to get any sicker or weaker or more isolated from the world.

I don't want to experience all of these things, knowing that people I still love simply don't care. I experienced enough as a person with disabilities to know that I'm at that stage where finding another partner isn't a realistic goal. Those without disabilities simply aren't going to be willing to develop a relationship with someone who needs so much and will only need even more in the future. People who are equally disabled aren't healthy enough to actually be able to carry out the sort of help that I need to stay alive. People like me, the folks whose partners leave for any of the myriad reasons that they use to justify it, remain alone. That's just the truth.

I want to say something hopeful now. I honestly do. I went to Liturgy today and it was wonderful. However, I couldn't even get the kind of inspiration that it usually provides. My mind and my spirit was just too distracted. It feels so unfair, but what does that matter? What difference does that make? There's nothing more pointless than thinking about how much unfairness one is experiencing.

I hope that tomorrow will bring me something to feel happy about. Right now, I'm just dreading it. I've loved Christmas for as long as I've been celebrating it. This year feels even worse, because I know just how much joy it usually brings me. Well, at least it will soon be over.

6 comments:

risa bear said...

(._.)

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry. I can only wish you strength and love for new year ahead.

Anonymous said...

I accidentally found your blog in looking for something on the internet. I am so sorry for the pain you are going through. I wish I could drop by your house and give you a warm hug and smile and listen to your story. You may not feel better tomorrow; you may not feel anything for a while, but you can make wise choices in your thinking.
Several months ago I ordered a free book for my Kindle. Didn't know what I was ordering, it just sounded good and it was free. Come to find out, it was a wonderful book called A Thousand Gifts, by Ann Voskamp. She had some pretty awful things happen in her life and after some time, healing happened when writing things down.
The book changed my life.

Anonymous said...

i've read your blog in silence for many years, always grateful for the words and insights that you share with us. i'm saddened to hear about your break-up and loneliness that you're feeling, especially at this time of year.

but as someone who's physically disabled and cannot meet many of own needs independently, let alone the needs of a loved one, i want to assure you that all of us - regardless of our health or disability - can find love. we can cultivate the love of friends and family, and yes, we can develop intimate relationships that may become partnerships. all relationships are a give and take, and for someone like me, i "take" a lot of physical assistance. but i give good humor and compassion and listening and intelligence, all traits that i've seen you exhibit countless times on this blog. we all have different strengths and abilities, even among people with disabilities. don't count us out just yet. :)

it's always hard when a long-term relationship ends. it hurts so much to lose someone who's been such a big part of your life, and yourself. i just want you to know that many people love you - even silent blog readers from afar - and that even the most "helpless" among us can find lasting intimate relationships. whether or not that's your goal or priority at this moment is up to you. it might be healthier not to jump into that right away. but it's certainly not impossible. many of us have done it. many of us are still doing it.

-anna

Rootietoot said...

How can I help,other than some pointless yet well meaning platitudes?

Christine said...

while i am not in your exact situation, I am in a similar situation. The strength returning to me seems to come in waves. I just hope those strength waves start lengthening in their present duration.

i am learning to love myself and enjoy the moments of aloneness without being alone. it seems to be a hard lesson for me.

lets band together in spirit and pull our selves up together. :)