Monday, July 21, 2008

Survivor's Guilt

I haven't been blogging very much lately. Since the last appointment with my oncologist where we discussed my prognosis, I've been trying to work through a lot of emotions that I'm not sure what to do with. Even though those I've told have been really excited for me, I've been really reluctant to share the news with everyone in my life. I don't know...It's kind of strange. I'm really struggling with what to do with the knowledge that I might not die soon while still dealing with the everyday reality of still being disabled.

I don't know how to handle the fact that I may live while many of those around me will die. Being one of the incurable/terminal cancer folks is kind of an elite group among those in my support group. I'm still not curable but maybe I'm not in the same category as those who are incurable and on the fast track to the Great Beyond. Am I being ejected from my seat? Do I now have more in common with the folks who are potentially curable? What do I say to my cancer family, "Sorry, I just got a reprieve, so I'm going to go on with my life while you contemplate your impending death"?


Sarah Mclachlan singing "I Will Remember You"


I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don’t let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

Remember the good times that we had?
I let them slip away from us when things got bad
How clearly I first saw you smilin’ in the sun
Wanna feel your warmth upon me, I wanna be the one

I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don’t let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

I’m so tired but I can’t sleep
Standin’ on the edge of something much too deep
It’s funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word
We are screaming inside, but we can’t be heard

But I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don’t let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

I’m so afraid to love you, but more afraid to loose
Clinging to a past that doesn’t let me choose
Once there was a darkness, deep and endless night
You gave me everything you had, oh you gave me light

And I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don’t let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

And I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don’t let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Weep not for the memories

1 comment:

B/q said...

"What do I say to my cancer family, 'Sorry, I just got a reprieve, so I'm going to go on with my life while you contemplate your impending death'?"

Troubling things to work through, for sure. I am not sure what to say other than that I am happy for you and your family.