Sunday, June 03, 2007

Living Today

I woke up feeling okay today. I mean, I feel like I could almost enjoy today but I feel so guilty about even being alive that I don't know what to do with the fact that it's so pretty outside and my back is only hurting a little bit.

I'm still sick. I hate the word "sick". What does it mean really? In a way it just amounts to whatever set of conditions I'm experiencing right now. I could label every day as one where I'm feeling sick. Still, there are definitely periods where there is substantially more stuff going on with my body. Like right now, for instance.

I got on the scale yesterday. About two years ago we invested in a fancy, super accurate scale so that we could keep up with our bodies while The German and I were beginning an attempt to start eat more healthily. But I try not to get on the scale very much because I don't want VanGoghGirl to develop any unhealthy attitudes about weight. Well, I got on the scale just to check in because I was just sure that I had gained weight.

I'm still having trouble keeping my food inside me for very long. If I don't throw it up, my body decides that it will just have to get rid of it through the other end. I hope other people don't think that this is too gross to actually write about. This is my reality right now. Anyway, regardless of all that, it had seemed to me as if I'd managed to keep in a little bit more food in the past week. Evidently I was wrong.

I've lost even more weight. I guess I should have realized that before I got on the scale. Around the house I almost always wear muscle shirts. I don't have enough breasts to need a bra so a nice-fitting muscle shirt usually keeps "the girls" supported enough. I have on one right now and earlier this morning I was thinking that maybe it's time to get some new ones because all of the stretchiness had gone away in my favorite salmon-colored muscle shirt. Now I'm realizing that it isn't that the shirt isn't as stretchy as when I bought it. It's loose because I'm thirty pounds lighter than when I bought it.

In the past few months I'd still been wearing my regular jeans and t-shirts when I left the house but I had to start wearing a belt, which I'd usually only do when I want to look really dressed up. After a while, even with a belt, they began to look as if I were wearing MC Hammer pants. Thank goodness I have held on to my old jeans!

I actually had to go in and get a pair of my jeans that I bought in my college days and put them on--as you can see, I care nothing for what's fashionable when it comes to clothing. The jeans actually fit! This is so-oo-oo not good. I mean, there's the undeniable little thrill of being able to say that I can still fit my clothes from my "young and sexy days" but then there's the grim reality that the reason why I can fit them is because I am sicker than I've been in a long time. Still, the fact that I was able to sit in front of the computer and write this may mean that I'm going to get better soon.


donna darko said...

glad you're feelin better.

Professor Zero said...

Yes, it means you'll get better soon.
And - the castle on the sun image is gorgeous.

bint alshamsa said...

Thank you Donna!

Professor Zero,

I hope you're right. By the way, I miss having you comment here! I hope everything is going well for you right now.

(((hugs))) for you both!

Juliette Morningsky said...

Hey Bint....I am glad you are feeling better..I decided to start a blog ... I am just trying to decide what my first blog should be about. I will let you know when I publish the first one. Blessings

belledame222 said...

...I'm trying to think of a way to articulate something that keeps popping into my head, wondering if it's appropriate to even try.


I don't know if you've had a chance to read this post by bfp, New Life. I started to comment sort of along these lines there but got distracted--there's so much going on in that post that the particular thread i was going on almost seemed beside the point. maybe not.

just, when she's talking about "historical trauma," expressed as a physical reaction--

you know. I believe in that. I believe in the mind-body connection, and I believe in psycho-spiritual heritages being passed down through the generations, both within an individual family and more collectively.

Beyond that, though, I don't know much. I really don't know how it all works.

Just: it sounds like you could use some soul healing. You're carrying a lot right now, for yourself and your family. and...I wish some easing/transformation of that burden for you, somehow.

okay. will try not to kibitz any further. anyway, i'm here to listen. glad to see you back in front of the keyboard, friend.


Donna said...

I can't tell you how relieved I am to see that you are up and posting to your blog and commenting here and there too. It means you are a little stronger now. I sure hope that soon you will be able to keep more of your food in you and gain a few of those lost pounds back. Sure, it's nice that you can fit those old jeans, but I want you to fit them and feel and be healthy doing it! As always, sending you love and I'm going to keep on praying for you and your family.

Carl said...

It's not the way any of us wants to fit into those "young and sexy" clothes, that's for sure.

Prayers and good wishes go out, for you and to you, with the hope that the digestive system will quiet down and you'll feel better soon.

AradhanaD said...

take good care bint

Anonymous said...

Just thinking of you, wishing you nice meals that stay down AND jeans that make you look hot.

Sometimes, when I mull over my own fashion choices of the past, it pleases me very much to remember that other people had Hammer pants, too. I notice you do not admit to this. ;)


Renegade Evolution said...

In my thoughts Bint.

Unknown said...

what donna said--

much love

Anonymous said...

I can't think of any well wishes that haven't already been said, so I'll concur with the above commenters. I'd like to add that scales won't tell you that you used the calories from the food, and that even though you didn't gain weight, it was still put to good use and that the effort it took wasn't wasted. I hope the situations get better soon.

belledame222 said...

thinking of you Bint