I know this sounds irrational. That's probably because it is. Still, I'd be lying if I said I it hasn't become a reoccurring thought. Just yesterday, my mother-in-law came by and told us that my sister-in-law's infant has died of S.I.D.S. We never even got to see the baby. With the death of my uncle and my recent bout of health problems, we still hadn't been by to see the baby.
Why am I still here? I know other people in this family have to be wondering the same thing. I know it might sound bad but one of the consolations I've felt is that, because my cancer couldn't be cured, at least I wouldn't have to experience of dealing with the deaths of those I love. I know that's not realistic. People die every day. However, you'd think that the girl walking around with lupus, cancer, asthma, schizophrenia and chronic depression would have a pretty good shot at making the top of the grim reaper's list of things to do on any given day, at least before a guy who managed to survive harrowing Vietnam War experiences and a life that was perfectly healthy throughout the pregnancy and through it's rather easy transition into the world less than two months ago.
Yet here I am. They had to hook me up to the IV-line a couple of weeks ago. Why is my stomach rebelling against everything I put in it? I tried to eat a granola bar today. That was a very bad move. Sometimes eating feels worse than just going without. I wonder, is this how it starts? Is this how it begins to feel as you reach the point where life just becomes so uncomfortable that one would rather just let go?
Honestly, I couldn't even let go now. There's been too much death in this family lately. It just isn't a good time. Some people may think that there's no such thing as a good time to die but that just isn't true. Some times are definitely better than others. Dying on the same day as someone in your family's birthday--bad idea. Dying during any major holiday period in one's culture--bad idea. You get the picture? Sometimes people die on days that make it nearly impossible, or at least very difficult for the living to go on enjoying life. It's best if deaths are spaced apart rather evenly. Everyone deserves their own little space of time for people to mourn, grieve, party, or do whatever needs to be done to commemorate the passing on from this life.
I've written as much as I can for today. I'm not able to deal with being my usual cynical self, right now.
HopeSpringsATurtle suggested that I just take things one moment at a time. I think I'm going to do that right now and do what's best for me now--three thirty one in the morning on June first--I need to be some place other than in front of this computer blogging. Maybe three thirty two will be different.