Wednesday, April 04, 2007

How Long Will It Take?

I'm having a lot of problems right now. There's just too much going on in my life. I'm trying to concentrate on all of the things going right but it's just not happening. I am stuck feeling really paralyzed with anxiety. And what for? A million reasons and no reasons at all. It just feels like the world is falling apart.

A huge part of it is this crisis of faith that I'm experiencing. I feel like I'm not just losing my religion. I feel like I'm losing religion altogether. Maybe I'm even losing myself. I've been trying to write about it all but I just can't seem to find a way to express it. Right now I have six or seven un-posted drafts but I just keep getting too lost in my thoughts to finish them.

I've been taking a combination of both Wellbutrin and Lexapro. I used to take Zoloft to help me deal with the anxiety and depression and it worked really well for awhile and then it didn't. My doctors switched me to Lexapro and I didn't see much improvement with the 20mg a day dose so they increased it to 30mg a day. I was still having a lot of problems with the crying almost every day and feeling unable to interact with the outside world so my doctor added Wellbutrin to go along with the daily 30mg of Lexapro.

The Wellbutrin does seem to help a lot; My doctor thinks so too. However, a few months later, I started having that problem with the dreams where I was re-living the sexual assaults I've experienced (Not Sleeping Well & It Happened again Last Night). My psychiatrist suggested that I find a therapist who specialized in sexual issues but I never did it. I made an appointment to see one guy but I never went. After awhile, the dreams went away and I started being able to get through the nights okay. But lately they've come back.

I saw my psychiatrist last week and he recommended that I taper off my Lexapro dose and substitute it with Effexor. I'm going to start it tonight, I think. I've been saying I was going to do it but I'm really nervous about trying a new medication. I hate being a slave to these pills. I feel like I should just be able to handle life without needing to resort to chemical help. I try to tell myself that I shouldn't judge myself by other people's standards because the average person in this country doesn't know what the hell they'd do if they had to deal with all that I have gone through.

My cancer is an ever present sword of Damocles. Actually, it's not even the cancer by itself. It's the lupus and asthma and depression and anxiety and schizophrenia that also weighs it down. The combination of all these factors leaves very little room in my life for happiness and hopefulness. How long will I be able to hold it all together?

4 comments:

debbie said...

I hear you on feeling like a slave to the pills. I've been taking various anti-depressants for almost 10 years, and I am barely holding it all together. It's so frustrating to feel like you're doing everything you're supposed to do, and that nothing is working.
Speaking of medication, I recently started taking Wellbutrin in combination with Effexor, and I find the Wellbutrin really exacerbates my anxiety and insomnia, and I've heard this is a pretty common experience - it might be worth talking to your psychiatrist about this (assuming you haven't already).

Bint Alshamsa said...

Really? I really appreciate you telling me about your reaction to the Wellbutrin. I'm going to see my psychiatrist again in a couple of weeks and I'm definitely going to discuss this with him.

It's good to hear from other people who know what this is like. It sucks when I feel like I'm the only one.

Renegade Evolution said...

"I try to tell myself that I shouldn't judge myself by other people's standards because the average person in this country doesn't know what the hell they'd do if they had to deal with all that I have gone through."

I think You Rock!

((hugs))

belledame222 said...

((hugs))

I'm on Wellbutrin and Zoloft now, but at one point I was on Wellbutrin alone, and it gave me the same effects as debbie says.

it does suck trying to find the right combination.

what my shrink tells me, whenever i'm let's say chemically influenced (the week before my period is often a thing of its own), when what-iffing: "stay with the facts." and recognize that the flood of thoughts, and the anxious emotions they bring up (or vice-versa; it's hard to know actually) are in part due to these chemical influences; this too shall pass. and: breathe.