I'm having a lot of problems right now. There's just too much going on in my life. I'm trying to concentrate on all of the things going right but it's just not happening. I am stuck feeling really paralyzed with anxiety. And what for? A million reasons and no reasons at all. It just feels like the world is falling apart.
A huge part of it is this crisis of faith that I'm experiencing. I feel like I'm not just losing my religion. I feel like I'm losing religion altogether. Maybe I'm even losing myself. I've been trying to write about it all but I just can't seem to find a way to express it. Right now I have six or seven un-posted drafts but I just keep getting too lost in my thoughts to finish them.
I've been taking a combination of both Wellbutrin and Lexapro. I used to take Zoloft to help me deal with the anxiety and depression and it worked really well for awhile and then it didn't. My doctors switched me to Lexapro and I didn't see much improvement with the 20mg a day dose so they increased it to 30mg a day. I was still having a lot of problems with the crying almost every day and feeling unable to interact with the outside world so my doctor added Wellbutrin to go along with the daily 30mg of Lexapro.
The Wellbutrin does seem to help a lot; My doctor thinks so too. However, a few months later, I started having that problem with the dreams where I was re-living the sexual assaults I've experienced (Not Sleeping Well & It Happened again Last Night). My psychiatrist suggested that I find a therapist who specialized in sexual issues but I never did it. I made an appointment to see one guy but I never went. After awhile, the dreams went away and I started being able to get through the nights okay. But lately they've come back.
I saw my psychiatrist last week and he recommended that I taper off my Lexapro dose and substitute it with Effexor. I'm going to start it tonight, I think. I've been saying I was going to do it but I'm really nervous about trying a new medication. I hate being a slave to these pills. I feel like I should just be able to handle life without needing to resort to chemical help. I try to tell myself that I shouldn't judge myself by other people's standards because the average person in this country doesn't know what the hell they'd do if they had to deal with all that I have gone through.
My cancer is an ever present sword of Damocles. Actually, it's not even the cancer by itself. It's the lupus and asthma and depression and anxiety and schizophrenia that also weighs it down. The combination of all these factors leaves very little room in my life for happiness and hopefulness. How long will I be able to hold it all together?