I'm really disappointed that I didn't participate in the Take Back The Blog day yesterday. Yesterday was one of the worst days I've had in a long time. I was only lucid for about a total of thirty minutes. The German took care of me. I do remember him taking my temperature a few times and trying to get me to eat something. I just couldn't bring myself to eat. I understand now about why most cancer deaths are because of malnutrition. Sometimes you'd just rather rest and what's going on around you just becomes less important. I wonder if it's going to be like this more and more towards the end.
At one point, I woke up and got up from my bed and walked to the living room where he was. I startled him. I got on the sofa with him and went back to sleep. At some point yesterday, he brought me back into my bed room. I didn't wake up again until 7:00 a.m. this morning. I feel really awful right now. I just ate a rice cake and a granola bar. Maybe that will stop me from feeling so shaky. I've learned to pay attention to the other stuff that my body does in order to try and tell if I might need to eat. I wonder why I just don't feel hungry some days. The German keeps lots of my favorite foods around the house all of the time in the hopes that I might be tempted to eat even if I'm not feeling hungry.
Yesterday he kept offering to make me tomato soup which is one of my absolute favorite foods. It doesn't require a lot of chewing so when I'm sick it's one of my favorites to choose. Yesterday, he told me all of the good stuff that he'd put in my soup if I'd eat. I feel like crying today thinking about it. He tries so hard. It's not fair for him to have to go through all of this at our age.
I've told him that when I get really sick that I want to be put in a nursing home or hospice. The only thing that makes me kind of wish that I could die at home is that I'd like to be able to spend as much time as possible with VanGoghGirl. But there are a lot of reasons why I think it will be best for me to go into a hospice. The German isn't the kind of person who knows when he needs to take a break. He just keeps going until he can't force his body to keep going any further. He was asleep with the thermometer in his hand, when I woke up this morning. I accidentally woke him up and he immediately started rubbing my back. I don't think he even realized that he had fallen asleep. If I tried to die at home, his health would suffer too much. He wouldn't spend enough time taking care of himself. If he did that, then how would he be able to take care of VanGoghGirl by himself?
If I was in a hospice, he could come and see me and bring VanGoghGirl without having to be responsible for all of my day to day needs. I think he deserves that. So does she. They'd never rest comfortably here if all day long they constantly had to pass by the bedroom where I died. That's just creepy, I think. I want home to be a place where they can feel comfortable and happy and associate with the good times we've had together. I think that when the time comes, going into a hospice will be the sacrifice I make for them and I think that it will make me feel good to be able to do something for them after all they've done for me.