Landing on a runway in Chicago
and I'm grounding all my dreams of ever really seeing California,
because I know what's in between
is something sensual in such non-conventional ways.
Tonight the headphones will deliver you the words that I can't say.
Tonight I'm writing you a million miles away.
Tonight is all about "We miss you."
And I can't forget your style or your cynicism,
somehow it was like you were the first to listen to everything we said.
My smile's an open wound without you...
and my hands are tied to pages inked to bring you back.
These friends are, new friends are golden.
-Homesick At Space Camp by Fallout Boy
I went to see my psychiatrist today. I was really nervous about it because I knew he would ask me if I'd gone to see a sex abuse therapist yet. I explained to him that I hadn't actually made it to the appointment that I'd scheduled because when that date came, I just couldn't bring myself to go and talk to a complete stranger about this subject. His immediate question was "Well when are you going to be ready?" I understood the point that he was making. He went on to tell me that I don't have to sit there and tell the therapist about everything in the first session. He said that I could take my time and develop some trust in the person first. That really eased a lot of my anxiety.
We also talked a whole lot about The German and the CanadianBoy. He questioned why I had contacted the latter and I'm beginning to wonder if my current difficulties dealing with being a sexual abuse survivor had subconsciously contributed to me making the decision to contact him after all these years. The doctor definitely thinks that may be the case. I also told him about how The German is worried that associating with the CanadianBoy may cause me to slip back into a less acceptable lifestyle. However, my doctor doesn't think that will necessarily be the case.
Our discussion actually made me feel a lot more confident about this because talking to The German had led me to feel like maybe I'm not as strong-willed as I'd like to hope that I am. A couple of nights ago the CanadianBoy and I were having a heart-to-heart talk and he asked me whatever happened to the adventurous girl that I used to be. I didn't really have an answer for that question at the time but I think that living with The German all these years may have a lot to do with it. He lives a very "safe" and quiet lifestyle and being basically homebound for so long has meant that I haven't had anyone around to stimulate the other side of my personality that used to really enjoy getting out and being a little bit wild from time to time.
I really want to do something about that. I've been thinking about going out of town during the Christmas holidays to see some friends. A few of my friends have invited me to come and celebrate my birthday with them. It might be fun to visit someplace new or to go shopping in some places that I've been meaning to revisit eventually. I told The German that I was considering taking a bit of a holiday by myself but he was mostly unresponsive. I know that I can count on him to take care of VanGoghGirl while I'm gone and it wouldn't be for more than a week or so anyway.
From the times when I've mentioned it, I can tell that he's not exactly crazy about the idea but he wouldn't try to stop me if that's what I want to do. I care about what he thinks but I don't want to completely merge my soul with his. We have different personalities (He's very reserved and I'm extremely outspoken), different tastes (He likes hip hop and I prefer Jazz or Punk), and different belief systems (He's a lot more conservative than I am even though he won't admit it). I don't want to get to the point where I'm sacrificing my own happiness just to keep him from having to deal with our differences. Besides, we might get along a lot better if we weren't spending every waking moment of every single day together in this flat.
With my psychiatrists vote of confidence, I think that maybe I should just put more trust in my ability to take care of myself and act responsibly no matter what or who is around me. I think tomorrow I'm going to put some feelers out there and see if a couple of those invitations still stand.