I don't think I've ever talked about it here but those who are close to me know that I am a sexual abuse survivor. To be honest, I really prefer not to talk about it most of the time. Part of the reason for that is that I know it makes my mother very uncomfortable. She did everything that a mother should do to try and protect me from this sort of thing but even her best efforts were not able to prevent it all. Sadly, there are just too many pedophiles in the world for even good parents to be able to shield their children from at all times. I was never sexually abused by anyone in my family but I'm not sure if that really makes a difference in how I feel about what happened to me.
The reason why I'm writing about this here and now is because it's starting to be a real problem for me. A couple of months ago, I started having really awful dreams. At the time I thought it might be because I was starting on a new medicine and my body was reacting to the new mix of chemicals in my body. In my dreams, I am being abused by different people from my past. The hard part is that they aren't even the people who did violate me; It's just all sorts of people I've known and cared about. I don't understand why that is. If I was just re-living some of the incidents from my past, then that would make sense to me but this just doesn't.
The German has been really great about this, as usual. Only a few people in my family know that he's been sleeping on an air mattress in the living room for the past few months while I'm going through this. Occasionally I've felt comfortable with him sleeping in our room but most nights I have my daughter sleep in the bed with me instead.
For someone with the sort of issues I have, a person could have no better partner than The German but this situation just isn't tenable. It's absolutely unfair to him. Because he's so tall, he can't even fit on my daughter's wicker day bed so he's stuck on the mattress. This is really terrible because he has a severe problem with his back from when a couple of discs in his back were basically disintegrated in an attack by a dog while he was at work. He's never complained about things but I can see how he's really saddened/hurt that things are like this. If he was being a jerk about my issues then I think I wouldn't feel so bad about him being relegated to sleeping on the floor but his uncomplaining compliance only increases the guilt that I'm feeling right now.
Last night was the worst night so far. My daughter had fallen asleep in the living room so The German was attempting to sleep in her room on her bed which leaves him with two choices--either let his feet hang off the bed or try to contort to an angle where he can at least have his entire body on the mattress. Anyway, I was sleeping in our room in the bed by myself. I heard the bed creaking every time he moved, so eventually I told him that he could come and sleep in the bed by me.
I'm really glad he was there because the nightmares were terrifying. Every time I fell asleep and started to dream, it would be some situation where I was attacked and raped by someone I know. In my dream I'd be screaming and trying to get away until I eventually woke up crying out and damned near jumping out of my skin. Needless to say, this woke up The German even though he is a really heavy sleeper. He reassured me and rubbed my back until I fell asleep and started a new round of dreams. Then I'd wake up and he'd have to do it all over again. This went on until almost five o'clock in the morning.
I got up around ten o'clock feeling like I'd just been in a fight. The German was knocked out and I was hurting all over because of all the thrashing I'd done the whole night. Once again, he didn't complain about it at all and it's driving me crazy. How can I be so screwed up?!! I pride myself on being a survivor. I've survived the cancer and lupus. I've survived hurricanes Katrina and Rita. I've survived the two decades of cultish indoctrination by my old denomination. I've even survived sexual abuse at the hands of several different individuals. It's killing me that I'm not able to just deal with this on my own right now.
I believe in keeping things normal around the home because I am determined that my daughter will get the sort of functional home life that I wished I'd had. But this is ripping things apart. It's only a matter of time before she figures out that The German isn't just sleeping in the living room because he likes to watch his big screen television at night instead of the smaller one in our room. Also I know it isn't fair to her that I'm so paranoid about every single thing she does. At some point, you aren't just being a vigilant parent; You're being a clinging nut who's considering switching to homeschooling just to keep a better eye on the child. Yes, I'm at that point. If it weren't for The German reminding me of how VanGoghGirl's special needs as a Gifted and Talented child really couldn't be met at home, then I'd have pulled her out of school months ago despite how great it is and how hard it is to even get a child into it.
I am going to call the three therapists that one of my doctors have recommended to me. I really need to find a way for this to go back to just being something in my past. I am NOT going to waste the rest of my life being so preoccupied with the past that I can't enjoy the present.