Thursday, June 15, 2006

Record (Artificial) Highs In Louisiana

Today is one of those days when I remember who I really am. I'm not what I usually pretend to be even though on the best days, I'm just a pathetic flake. Why not admit it? Everyone who knows me, I mean really knows me, already noticed it a long time ago. I'm just telling the rest of you so you'll know where this is going and not waste your time reading it only to find it doesn't end all nice and neat like the fairytales do.

I just re-read yesterday's candy-coated post. Who is that girl? Well, if you don't know then you really haven't been paying attention. She is the girl who took her medication yesterday. Well, some of it, that is. After having been totally without it for a few days, taking a dose is like swallowing all of the emotional cotton-candy that your brain can absorb. Sticky-sweet memories taste wonderful on a hot day...but after awhile they melt away...and I am what's left after the torridity makes you vomit them all out again. So, this is the view from my mirror.

VanGoghGirl is gone for the summer. She's busy being converted into the church of Everybody's Wrong But Us. You'd think they'd have had a revelation of their own given the fact that most children who are born into it choose to get as far away from the religion/denomination/semi-cult that they tied around my neck like a noose. I guess I shouldn't have expected anything different. I remember when I first started studying about Islam, one of my Arabic language classmates took me to the side and warned me to stay away from those who weren't born into the religion. He said that it's the converts that tend to become the fanatical "true believers" who would gladly see every free-thinker not only dead but eternally tortured. I didn't believe him until I (recently) remembered that many in my own inherited religion those who were the worst to me happened to be converts. On first thought, I'd think that if someone were going to leave whatever religion they once had, they'd switch to something less hateful, more logical, more compassionate, et cetera. Given further thought, I realize that instead some people turn to whatever religion justifies the worst things about their personality.

The painter's roses next to my computer have been dead for months. I love the way they all rise out of the vase on charcoal brown stems. The dead blossoms point downward like a head hung in shame. When I was a teenager, I wanted to get a tattoo of a black rose on the back of my hand. In a family where living on the edge meant wearing lipstick before you were sixteen, that was never going to happen. I used to write a lot of suicide poetry back then. That got boring so I "graduated" to suicide attempts. Have I ever written about the two times that I was committed and what led up to it? Well, I guess I won't do it tonight. I was going to and I actually just finished writing two paragraphs about it but I decided to erase them after they became too graphic for me to risk VanGoghGirl reading about here. I'll just say that I've suffered from depression for a very long time and before I had cancer, I had a hard time understanding how precious life really is. Isn't that the greatest irony?

The German went and picked up the medication that my psychiatrist called in. Finally, I have both of them to take on tomorrow. We'll see how I feel then. Maybe I had best go to sleep now and try to get my "relative sanity" button to reset.

1 comment:

brownfemipower said...

well, i just have to say, don't dismiss the entirety of the love in that post--drugs can make happiness, but they can't make love--you clearly love your partner regardless of what drugs you're taking or not taking and i count it as a wonderful thing that I got to feel and see and sort of experience that love through your writing.

Keep your head up about vangouhgirl...i'm struggling with a lot of those same issues--only my problems stem from the born into it crowd. apparently they're church is so right on, there's never been any need to challenge or think outside of their church for the last 65 years!! It sucks worse cuz I actually grew up around the beatenist crowd of frenzy eyed religious factions and now to have to deal with this again after i left my hometown for this very reason is too much of an insult to be born some times....

anyway...thanks for sharing these posts--i think inspite of your science background, you have an artist soul--I am finding a lot of my favorite bloggers are!!

take care of yourself~xo