Monday, June 12, 2006

No Refills

It's pretty simple, really. I am out of my Lexapro (anti-anxiety med). I knew I was running out but I was going to see my oncologist and I planned to get him to write my refill prescriptions. I did remember to ask him for refill scripts and he made sure to write them for all of the medications he has prescribed for me. Unfortunately, I didn't realize that he isn't the one who prescribed my Lexapro; My psychiatrist did. As a result of my typical unluckiness, I didn't realize that my Lexapro wasn't among the meds that I picked up from the pharmacy until yesterday when it was time to take it and I realized I was completely out and my psychiatrist was gone for the day. The German was worried but I figured I'd be okay without it for a night or two until it was refilled. Wrong.

Today has been a really awful day. I was sobbing in bed when, thankfully, The German carefully reminded me that a good part of how I'm feeling is the result of my medication wearing off. I really do appreciate that he first said that he isn't trying to minimize how I'm feeling but he just wanted to help me remember what might be the reason why I'm so down. That does help some.

On days like this--I have made similar mistakes before that resulted in the same thing--it's really hard to find anything to counteract what the demons in my head tell me. You're fat. He doesn't desire you; He only tolerates you because he pities you. She'd really be happier living with her grandmother full-time. Why can't you fix yourself up to look nice like other girls do? You'll never look like those girls that he really likes. You'll never finish school. You are a real disappointment to all those professors invested so much time on you. Those universities that say they'll take you whenever you are ready to apply won't even remember who you are even if you do finish up your undergraduate studies. You don't fit in. You'll never be all profound and learned like those other people. There's nothing radical about being pathetic and needy. Eventually you'll say something wrong and they'll all laugh at you. You'll find out that they've just tolerated you so that they'll have someone to laugh at. You'll never have another baby. Nobody would let a woman with cancer adopt a child.

Really, I could go on and on. The German took out some clothes for me and says that we are going to the movies and then to dinner tonight. That might be nice. I wish that I had enough Lexapro in my system for me to be able to enjoy our date. Hopefully my psychiatrist will call in my refill to the pharmacy on tomorrow so that I don't have to go through too many more days like this one.

3 comments:

Pony said...

Binte

Here, the pharmacy where one regularly gets {Lexapro} can legally give you one or two days'worth when you've forgotten to refill or you're doctor is unavailable.

Try.

Pony

Pony said...

Ooops. *Bint*. Apologies

Jane said...

You sound like me when I'm going down the rabbit hole. I'm with you. I hope your meds had been refilled now.