Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Cheering Myself Up

Okay, so here's what's up. I have been really down lately. Well, "down" is probably a bit of an understatement so I visited my psychiatrist last week and we decided to add yet another drug to the list of medications I will be ingesting daily. The newest one is Wellbutrin. A few months ago we increased my Lexapro dosage and it definitely helped with my depression. Still, I've been having a lot of trouble dealing with an increased level of stress in my life.

VanGoghGirl is wrapping up the end of her school year and that means there are a lot of projects that we have to finish in the next few weeks. Then there's the matter of who will and won't be attending her promotional exercises. My parents are still living in another state thanks to the hurricane damage to their house that hasn't been fully repaired yet. They had planned to come but now I'm not sure if they'll come down for the graduation because, if they did, they'd either have to stay here for a week until they can take my daughter back out to Texas with them or leave and come back into Louisiana for a second time a week later when the school year ends.

VanGoghGirl's bio-dad was going to ride with his parents to the graduation but now that they let me know that they may not be coming, he says he's going to see about finding another way. In other words, he probably won't be there either. The German's mother may not even be in town on that day but if she is, then she's going to come and my bio-dad is also coming. That last fact is sure to add more stress to the day if my mother and step-dad come. It's not that they aren't civil with each other; My mother just refuses to have anything to do with my bio-dad so I have to plan everything in a way that there will be sufficient space between them to avoid any uncomfortably awkward conversations that might mar the fun for VanGoghGirl.

My younger brother and his wife and daughter have been visiting with me for the past few weeks while they look for another apartment. The one they were supposed to move into fell through unexpectedly and they had already moved out of their former place. It's really hard to find apartments here since the hurricane last year. Sometimes I think my life will never fully recover from the effects of Hurricane Katrina/Rita. Well, I know it will but it's just taking so much longer than I thought it would and I'm not even among the displaced folks. I can't imagine how much depression and anxiety they are dealing with but, judging from the Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder symptoms exhibited by my family members, I'm pretty sure that it's considerably worse for them than it is for me.

I'm not even feeling emotionally ready to talk about my health right now. I am just really overwhelmed with all of the work that it takes for me to even function at half-speed. I had wanted to write about it but I haven't been able to get myself to the point where I felt like discussing it so, instead, I've decided to write a bunch of totally pointless posts about random subjects. I'm doing it because if I wait until I'm feeling up to talking about cancer again, it might be a few days or a few weeks and whenever I stop writing regularly, it becomes hard to start back up again. So, please bear with me my silliness a bit. I'm just trying to give myself a few badly-needed hugs right now in the form of comfort-writing.


Kilimanjaro: High and Lo said...

First Bint, here's a big ol'tight cyber hug in the blogger's cafe VIP area for you, beautiful one!!! wait!-im really sending that energy your way and hopefully you can feel it :)!!!!!

Second, I know that things will get better and hopefully by the time you read this, you are in better spirits.

Third, I really like the name VanGoghGirl and added it to my list of girl names for my unborn babygirl (a sis can dream)

Fourth, as far as writing is concerned, taking breaks are good, esp., when the subject matter is heavy...and i'm sure your readers are patient and understand tremendously. I'm glad that you gave yourself permission to take that break and time to just write freely!

Fifth, I'm still working on my meditation space but will send pics when done.

thinking of you Bint, knowing that all is well, that you are perfectly fine, and the here and now is all ok.


G Bitch said...

I know what you mean--it is hard to fully describe what post-Kat life is like and to honor your own anxieties, changes, etc. when there are folks with nowhere to live and no prospect of a job and and and....

I have found it nearly impossible to move forward on anything. My mother living with us the past 7 months hasn't helped.

I hear you, I feel you. Wish I could help us both.